Too fat to fit

I went camping this weekend with girlfriends.  Had a fantastic time... a bit cold, a bit rainy, but the sun came out and we went biking, hiking, and had some awesome times (and drinks) around the campfire.

It was super cold on Saturday night, so I decided to cozy up in my sleeping bag.  Normally I'm a hot sleeper, and I usually just through my sleeping bag over myself and just kind of zip it up to my knees.  As I went to zip my toasty sleeping bag all the way up, it got stuck.

I twisted.  I pulled.  I shifted.  I yanked.  I struggled.  It wasn't a stuck zipper.  The object inside the bag was too large to be zipped up.

Yup.  I'm too fat to fit in my sleeping bag.

It was a cold, cold night.  In many ways.

Damn liver! Shrink!!!

Okay, to be completely honest, the liver shrinking diet is HARD.  Not that I thought it would be easy, but it's much, much harder than I thought it would be.

So, on the recommendation of my surgeon, I'm on a diet that is supposed to shrink my liver to a more normal size, and make it possible for me to go through surgery successfully.  I'm supposed to have two protein shakes per day, and then a regular evening meal.

The protein shakes aren't that bad.  The brand the dietitian suggested comes in not-overly-disgusting flavours like cake batter and brownie batter.  They keep you full for long enough.  They're easy enough to make.

But a protein shake is not food.  I can't chew it.  I can't swallow huge half-chewed chunks of food that satisfy me in some weird way.  I can't stuff my face full of it, and let my feelings melt away as I eat... then overeat... then continue eating far past full.  The problem with the protein shakes is that they are a twice-daily reminder of all the problems I have with food in the first place.  By consuming the protein shakes instead of my regular over-indulgences, I have to face the fact that if I want to go through with the surgery and change myself, my eating habits will need to permanently change.  Forever.  End of story.

And that is hard to swallow, huh?

To tell or not to tell, is the question of the day

Did you tell people about your Lap-Band?  Should I tell people about my impending procedure?

My boyfriend knows, obviously.  My sister and my dad know, and my dad's wife.  I assume my sister's husband knows.  That's all.  Haven't told anyone else, and I'm not exactly at the beginning of the process.

My very first consultation was in May of 2012.  At the time, I couldn't afford the Lap-Band, and was too stubborn to ask my dad to help me out (even though, as he tells me now, I really should have just asked). So I spent a year and a bit mulling it over, reading stuff, going to the seminars, trying to convince myself that I can lose weight on my own, all the while gaining almost 20 pounds.

So here I sit.  Surgery date booked (October 11).  Liver shrinking diet begun.  Liquid diet to being in a couple weeks.  And almost no one knows.

Now, my friends are definitely going to notice if all of a sudden I stop "social eating."  Snacks are abundant at our get-togethers, socializing over dinners, and at the weekly stitch 'n bitch.  I camp and hike a lot with friends, they'll notice when my food consumption goes from massive to menial.

Here's what I'm afraid of: I'm afraid that people will think that I'm copping out by having the Lap-Band and taking the easy way out; that I don't have to work as hard as other people; or, that I have an excess of money.  None of those things are true, but I am bothered by the fact that someone might think one of those things of me.  And in turn, I'm bothered that at the age of 32, I still care what people think.

Are my friends going to care?  I hope not.  My family didn't - in fact, they were more supportive than I was expecting.  But weight-loss surgery is like the military, or vaccines, or religion.  It seems like everyone has a strong opinion that they are unwavering on.

Do I tell?  Did you tell?

I'm gonna miss it... I'm really gonna miss it...

The last week or so has been incredibly hectic - moving out of my office, unpacking our house, the start of the school year for the kidlets, etc., etc.  The kidlets are now tucked in bed, so I finally have a chance to sit, relax a bit, think, reflect (scary!!!).

So my thinking this evening gets me onto the topic of things I'm giving up in order to succeed with the Lap-Band.  There are the physical things, and the mental.

The mental "give-ups" are going to be tough, for example...

• eating until overstuffed to combat feelings of loneliness, anxiety, sadness
• feeling sorry for myself because I'm fat

Some of the physical "give-ups" are going to be difficult, like...

• breads, pastries, donuts, most simple carbohydrates
• fast foods

But the one things I am really going to miss is the one thing I have to cut out entirely, to avoid stretching my new pouch: SODA.  I <3 pop!  Now, I'm not in any means an addict, but I definitely enjoy one or two Coke Zeroes every evening.  I've read a lot, and had my dietitian inform me, that carbonated beverages can cause the pouch to stretch.  The more the pouch stretches, the more food it holds, which reduces the restriction you feel.

"Soda, my dearest,

I love your fizzy deliciousness.

I love the cold, bubbly, trail that goes from my mouth to my stomach.

But, on my new journey in healthiness, I have to give you up.

You and I can no longer be friends, though I will always think of you fondly.

Love, Kat."

Cheesecake woes

We just had a very busy weekend; we moved, school for the boys is starting, and my dad was visiting/helping.  I didn't spend a whole lot of time this weekend thinking about healthy choices, nor did I get out and get any activity in.

I'm on the path to getting "banded" - I'm having a Lap-Band installed (is that the right word?) in about a month.  Since I'm not on a weight-loss program dictated by an insurance company, my surgery isn't riding on the requirement that I lose a certain number of pounds before the procedure.  This has put me in a rather odd situation: I am having a hard time convincing myself to make smarter choices, since I've "only got" a few weeks left to binge, overeat, and make unhealthy decisions.  In fact, I'm making worse choices than I was before I decided to go ahead with the band.

Tonight we went out for dinner with my dad.  We've been eating out all weekend since we have no food in our house.  And no idea where our dishes are :)  I had my meal, and then ordered a piece of cheesecake for dessert.  Now, I do have a sweet tooth, but I could have shared a piece with my dad or my boyfriend.  Instead I ate the whole damn thing.  And felt guilty, frustrated, helpless, embarrassed, and overly stuffed afterwards.

I'm sitting here now wondering what my motivation was, and whether the Lap-Band is really the answer.  If I knowingly make poor choices before the Lap-Band, is the band really going to stop me from making poor choices in the future?  I've read a lot - "the band does 20% of the work, and you do the other 80%," "the band is a tool in your weight-loss toolbox."  If I lose 5 or 10 pounds BEFORE the band, isn't that just a bonus amount that I don't have to worry about with the band?

Why is this so hard?  

Damn the cherry cheesecake.